Desire. Arousal. Plateau. Orgasm. Resolution. We feel what’s happening during sex, but many of us don’t know the mechanics of our sexual response. Understanding how arousal works can help our sex lives become more creative, satisfying, and passionate beyond measure.
DESIRE We know how powerful feelings of physical attraction can be, but where do these feelings come from and what is their role in our lives? Desire occurs when we see something that sexually excites us. Perhaps it’s a tall stranger on the bus, or a woman with an exceptionally curvaceous figure. Maybe it’s a specific perfume that triggers a sensual memory. For both men and women, desire is inspired by a mixture of our emotions, our history, and our personal preferences.
Desire is the inception of our sexual energy. It may inspire arousal or, as often happens, arousal may inspire desire. The term arousal can also refer to awakening, such as being roused from sleep, and the same is true for sexual arousal: your sexual potential might be sound asleep, only to be awakened by an attractive man or woman passing by. The arousal/desire process might end there. Or, if circumstances allow and it’s deemed appropriate once passed through your moral and emotional filters, you might act on that desire and continue the arousal process through the other stages of sexual response.
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| The pattern of arousal and sexual response works differently in men and women. Knowing how sexual excitement works will help you understand your partner’s sexual responses. WOMEN The ability to experience multiple climaxes is unique to women. Sometimes women linger in the plateau phase and are able to enjoy a double or multiple orgasm, as seen in the pink line above. Sometimes there is a quicker climb toward a single orgasm, as in the green line; and at other times, women experience a lengthy plateau period that does not end in climax (the blue line). MEN The cycle for men is more straightforward, with a steady climb toward plateau and a sharp peak at climax, followed by resolution. |
AROUSAL In the midst of sexual arousal, we are receptive and present, in tune with our senses, and open to pleasure and connection. Duringthis stage, we undergo numerous physical changes. Our heart rate quickens, cheeks flush, and pupils dilate. (In ancient times, women used to attempt to mimic this effect by putting drops of belladonna in their eyes—not recommended, as belladonna is toxic! The point, however, is that signs of arousal can be attractive to your partner.) Also during the arousal stage, a woman’s nipples perk up and circulation to the genitals increases. If the arousal continues, a man’s penis will become erect, and women will experience genital changes as well. The clitoris will swell, as will the labia, and the vaginal opening will enlarge slightly in preparation for intercourse.
AROUSAL and HORMONES Part of the beauty of sexual response is that your entire body responds to arousal like an orchestra, with each instrument chiming in at its appointed time. All of these changes, no matter how minor, play a role in your sexual response and sexual pleasure, and they occur thanks to your hormones. Your hormones control everything from your appetite to your sleep habits, your mood, and your sexual experiences. The two hormones that primarily impact your sex drive are well-known: testosterone and estrogen.
TESTOSTERONE Testosterone is mostly produced by the sex organs, although it can also occur in the adrenal glands. In men, testosterone is primarily produced in the testes; in women, the ovaries are largely responsible for this job. Testosterone helps to produce body and facial hair, stimulates the growth of sex organs, and helps with muscle and bone growth. It also plays a significant role in determining genital and nipple sensation, as well as general sexual desire. On average, the male body produces 10 times more testosterone than the female body, but it is still a crucial hormone for women.
ESTROGEN Again, both men and women have this hormone, although women have vastly larger amounts. The majority of estrogen in the female body is produced by the ovaries; in men, estrogen is produced in the testes. This hormone regulates the female menstrual cycle and also helps prepare her body for pregnancy. Low levels of estrogen (which occur most notably during perimenopause and menopause) can have a wide range of side effects including vaginal dryness, hot flashes, irritability, and reduced sexual response.
PLATEAU This is the stage where arousal is high and orgasm is imminent. During the plateau stage, we enjoy the rush of passion at our partner’s touch, but haven’t yet reached the stage of orgasmic bliss. If you want sex to last longer, this is the place where you should slow down and try to maintain your arousal level while delaying orgasm. If you want to master the art of multiple orgasms, this is the stage where you should try to linger after orgasm.
ORGASM Orgasm is the intimate climax of our sexual experience. We all experience it differently, but by definition an orgasm is a contraction in the genitals that causes feelings of pleasure and release. Sometimes the contraction is intense and sometimes it is only a whisper.
RESOLUTION During the resolution stage, we experience feelings of calm, peace, emotional euphoria, and even fatigue. Sometimes an orgasm can be as powerful as a sleeping pill, but whenever possible, use this time to bond with your partner and create deep intimacy.
